Random Thought 034

All I did was laugh GUFFAWED like a kid. I did not worry about looking foolish but I just let it lose. I forgot how happy I was before we happened. I forgot how well I was doing without anybody giving me that better feeling. I was happy. I was free-spirited. I was myself.

To Kim, DJ, Ate Nissy and my new found friends -- iskos and iskas, THANK YOU. For making me realize, I am fine. I need to be. And eventually, I will be.

Reverse Bittering

I’ve been MIA in the blogverse for more than a month and my emotions are in the state of supernova. A month of not writing about what I’m feeling is very hard that it unleashes my alter-ego. I felt like I was deprived of saying anything and as usual the i’m-not-in-the-position-to-say-anything dominated me. But I’m so over that phase. I’m keeping it real.

You are arrogant. The way you talk makes everybody roll their eyes with incredulity, leaving them unimpressed. I hate the way you dress. You are, without a doubt, a bad dresser. It irritates me so much that I do not want to see anybody who dresses up like you. It annoys me. Really. You need to know that you are lazy. I hate the fact that you depend on me and everybody else about almost everything. And I don’t need to go on the details because you know this very well. You are selfish. I hate that you think about yourself and not mind about how I feel. You are pathetic, a user, an emotional wreck. In other words, you are so gago. You need to know that I detest your reasoning about life and how things are unfair for you when in fact things are unfair for me because of the things you do. I hate everything that reminds me about you. What used to be our “happy place” suddenly became a cemetery of lost promises and broken vows. I hate the songs that remind me of you. Or even the commercials, the movies and restaurants we’ve been to. I just hate everything that has you in it.

These are the things I hate about you.

I hate that I was able to accept everything that I hate about you. I hate that I learned to embrace every bit of everything I dislike about you.

But what I hate most is the fact that I still can’t stop thinking about you.

Why We Broke Up*

It just faded. Everything just vanished into thin air. And you disappearing without any hint that it is done.  

How could you leave without saying goodbye? But who am I to even ask for a goodbye if we meant nothing but a huge lie?

What’s funny is that I honestly believed that this could turn into something great and wonderful because with you, I found myself smiling again. What’s even funnier is that one person is actually giving me that can’t-eat-can’t-sleep-reach-for-the-stars-over-the-fence kind of feeling again. My stomach instantly became a habitat for lost butterflies and I seriously welcomed it. Your corny text messages that I’ve probably reread for a million times never fail to make me smile. That euphoric bliss I get whenever you held my hand, your fingers laced through mine and the stolen kisses that I pretend to not like – these are sweet moments that I never got tired of reminiscing. Those few moments when you say your plans for the future and how sure you were that I am going to be a part of it was really touching. I held on to that. And the little things you do like when you play with my hair or you smell my hand or when you tease me how fat I am, but always knew that you didn’t mean it. These are the things that I miss most about you. I was actually, truly and genuinely happy. This is how I felt when I used to be with you.

Most people either dislike the C word or they are just not ready for the hassle that comes with it. And I completely understand that, because I myself want a stress-free and drama-free relationship. But with you, you instilled in me that when you are with someone – and I’m not really sure if that’s the correct term to use with you - you are committed at least for the moment that you are with him. You taught me that.

I learned to trust again. I gave a shot at this for I had known you long enough to believe that nothing could ever go wrong. You gave me the security that nothing terrible will happen to me, but never the assurance that the worse could happen to us – to what we have. But somewhere in between, I learned to accept that. Yes, we had our own set of arguments on what’s this and that but I embraced the fact that this could end without any warning. I was right.

None of these were in my plans but I guess, feelings are like the rain, you can avoid it but you can never stop it from falling so might as well, enjoy it. Savor the moment. Carpe diem.     

Undeveloped, the whole thing, tossed into the box before we really had a chance to know what we had, and that’s why we broke up.