I LOVE YOU IS A LIE. EVERYTHING IS A LIE.

And it’s still you all these years – the exact reason why I was not able to engage in a serious relationship. To cut the long story short we tried to reconnect when we had the chance to talk things over. I can clearly remember what happened that night. Though I am not sure what music are we dancing to but I’m pretty sure it was something that made me say “I LOVE YOU”. You were not able to say anything at all but “Ikaw naman kasi eh.” Then you held me tighter – it was like the first time again. Everything still felt the same. That was when I realized that I really am still in love with you. You hugged me. Kissed me on the forehead and said “IKAW PA DIN.” I swear I felt my head got bigger, my insides melt and my heart bursting with euphoria. And yes, I cried. I can remember Teach Me How to Dougie playing in the background and you danced just like the first time you danced Soulja Boy in front of the Main Building years ago. It got me smiling again. “God, I miss this, I miss you” was all that was repeating on my mind. Surreal and melodramatic as it may sound but this was really one thing I am hopeful for.

We stayed up until 5 in the morning talking about what happened to us, the wasted years and everything in between. It was an emotional night and melancholia surely got hold of me after realizing that this seems impossible to happen – he is committed.

We tried making it possible. A compromise was made. I gave in to the offer. I settled for less. No hesitations. No regrets. No nothing. Just strong emotional attachments. I did not think twice about the risk I am putting myself into. I guess I trust him so much that it made me believe this could work. All I know is that I am happy to be (quite) reunited with him.

My friends said that it was stupid, childish and crazy. I didn’t mind. When asked if I wanted him to be out of the relationship, I would reply the opposite. Instead, I just wished that I have the strength, enough to resist him and to not come running back to him.

It was so stupid of me. To think that this was just okay.

It was so childish of me. To think that putting myself into this kind of set-up will make me happy.

It was so crazy of me. To ever think that love is enough to actually make this work.

He wanted a time-out. Until he fix everything. I think it was bullshit. It was just his cowardly excuse for HINDI KO TO KAYANG PANINDIGAN AT HINDI KITA KAYANG IPAGLABAN.

He said he still wants me to stay, but then why is he pushing me away?

He could at least have the balls to say that last Friday night was just a one time thing. That it was just a spur of the moment or something like “no pressure, just kiss me and don’t you dare fall in love with me” kind of thing. That would be more acceptable and less painful eh. Mindfuck. That’s what he was doing. Making me believe that I’m still the one he wants and loves through all these years when in reality, I’m just his meantime girl.  

I should have known that I was just the option and never the choice. That this wouldn’t work. That this won’t make me happy and that love? It was never enough. (Insert timing, fidelity and faithfulness here.)

Lahat ng bagay, sa umpisa lang masaya – And I can testify to this.

If you are committed, be satisfied and don’t do anything foolish by messing people’s feelings around.

If you are single and in love with anybody committed this I would say to you: Kung may girlfriend/boyfriend siya at sinabi niya sayo na mahal ka niya, gaano ka na lang katanga? You can do better by not doing what I did and just WALK AWAY.

As for me, I cried a river and in the process of building a bridge over it. It may seem like the hardest thing to do, but I have to forget about the guy that forgot about me, too.

Tapos na ako. Tapos na akong umasa, dahil pagod na pagod na akong umasa sa wala.