Not everything is funny

Admittedly, I did this to myself. I allowed myself to open my life to the public (read: Social Media) and that is something that I regret.

The problem with social media is it only depicts what people wanted to think about you. Now the bigger problem is our generation tends to post anything and everything happening to them without knowing and considering the possible dangers and consequences after. And Im guilty of the latter.

People think that they know everything about me and I am the one to be blamed. What can I say? It was a spur of the moment kind of thing and I regret every minute of it. I allowed myself to be eaten by the digital world we are all living in. And that sucks.

I apologize to myself for exposing my life to the whole world. I cant do anything about that now. Damage has been done. Pictures were uploaded, statuses were posted -- things that were not meant to be available for public viewing.

But you see, when you did something in the past and you started being okay with it, this is when people around you started acting like they know how you feel. And that hurts. More than being regretfel, I am embarassed. With the fact that things will never be normal again and that is something that makes me sad.

I am responsible for my actions and I am standing up for it. For the record though, I dont owe anybody an explanation. This is my life and I am living it the way I want it. I  cannot control your judgments and opinions about me.

And since people around me have the power to make me feel bad, I am choosing to filter all the good ones from the bad.

So I am begging you to please stop messing with my life. Your opinions are something that I dont want to hear. Go ahead and talk about it behind my back, but if you cant say anything good, just please keep it to yourself. I dont want to hear any bullshit from you anymore. Not funny anymore.

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Really?

Peyton was not lying when she said "People always leave".

It's painful when the person who used to mean the world to you became "just a boy you randomly met" - a total stranger for that matter.

What's funny is that you used to share your life experiences with each other. Through sorrow and pain, through laughters and joy - you were inseperable. You were so sure that your entire life will be spent living with that someone who promised to explore the world of uncertainties with you. The person who sends that tingling feeling in your spine just by his mere existence. The person who gives you that uncanny feeling in your tummy when he says your name. And that same person whom you cannot actually live without. And that sucks big time.

Yes, things did not go well as planned, but I cannot live my life with regret. I have loved deeply that's why I got my heart broken badly. There will come a time that all the pain will go away and I get the happiness that I truly deserve. Someday.

And so when Peyton said that "People always leave", theres a little voice deep within me, that says "but sometimes they come back.."

- C

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Refresh

And something hit me that made me back read some of my blogs. I miss writing.

So for a start, i downloaded the blogspot app and will write a new post in the next few days.
Yay me!

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End of Story

Most of you who will read this knows that J's been missing for 17 days now. I am writing this not to narrate what REALLY HAPPENED just because it's not my story to tell. To those people assuming that J came home already, God knows I wish you were right.

J is my first serious relationship. My "can't-eat-can't-sleep-reach-for-the-stars-over-the-fence-butterflies-in-my-tummy"  kind of relationship. And honestly, it pains me that Im writing this now because he chose a different life now. A life wthout his family. A life without me.

Its all coming back to me. All the memories I had with him for the past two years. The first time we met. The first date. The first argument. The first movie we watched. The first kiss. Everything. Whats funny is that my mind's filtering all the bad memories I had with him and all I can think of are our happy moments together. His eyes, his smile (God his smile keeps flashing in my mind), the way he made me laugh, his awkward and weird ways of panlalambing - those days and nights felt so right.

It came to a point that all I did was cry and bury myself in bed all day. I didn't shower for days. Didn't eat. Didn't sleep. Everything was hurting and I felt like dying. I find it hard to wake up every morning not reading any good morning texts from him and waking up in the middle of the night, asking myself what went wrong. *sobs*

But today I woke up, thinking about Ramon Bautista's motto that "There is more to life than love". I can't keep torturing myself like this. I have to regain my life back and keep my act together. It will be hard but i can do it. I will be happy again.

If there is something good that came out from all this, it's the chance that I was able to meet new people and I gained another family in his siblings and parents. And of course I was able to prove that love really is for everybody. Only proves that there really is a silver lining :)

I guess the hardest thing right now is to live with what I always say to people: that I am okay.  Eventually, I'll get through all the drama, the heartaches and the pain.

To those who are reading this now, I know that J's safe. This will be the last time I'm talking about this. He moved on already and it's gonna be my turn now.


PS. Thank you to all the people who helped me in getting through this and praying for J's safety. You will be included in my prayers.

- C.

Needy

I am no expert when it comes to relationships. I used to think that commitments are so overrated that I gave up the idea of being into one. I hate romance. Never did I watch those baduy love stories for chrissakes (well except for One More Chance just because, duh?!) 

But look where I am now? I swallowed the words I said before. Turned my back to bitterness and took the chance of falling in love. The past 9 months was like a roller coaster ride - the emotional kind. But at the end of the day, I still find myself falling in line for three hours just to reach the climax of that ecstatic feeling. 

Not everyday's peachy. Its not always hearts and flowers. Sometimes its just heartaches and thorns. 

Girls are too emotional. They cry for no reason at all. I hate the rain. I am too random. And Im out of words. But Im still full of tears. 

I want to feel needed. 

an attempt to write about anything unrelated about 3am

What's with 3am that makes people all nostalgic and reminiscent of the past? We start to track the first ever status update we made in Facebook. The first tweet ever posted in Twitter and that first photo ever took in our Instagram. We start listening to songs that we usually hear everyday but for some reason when we hear it at 3am something - a name, an event, a place - suddenly pops out of our head for some unknown reason. Making us remember things we shouldn't. The 3am syndrome is like the #throwbackthursday of one's day. For some it sucks. But sometimes, mapapangti ka na lang din. 

I was browsing through a friend's album and I happen to ran across this photo:

 

It's our first ever photo together (Yay!) I know this isnt an attractive first picture of us with that sampayan kind of background. And not to mention, J almost fading into that sampayan background.

I remember that day from last year -- November 11, 2013, after midnight. It was her mom's birthday celebration. A party that I never wanted to go to in the first place. But remembering it now, Im so glad that I did. :)

That picture of us was the start of our life photo album together. Eight months passed and look where we are now?

Never did I thought that I will get in to this point of my life. -- several destinations traveled, stories shared together and countless photos of us taken. Haaay. :)

Ive said it before and I will say it again. I HSVE NEVER BEEN THIS HAPPY.

For our "pseudo monthsary" celebration. :)

I dont have to say it. Coz you already know I do.

XO

#baduy #cheesy #clingy

Random Thought 041

You're probably gonna kill me for saying writing this.

I'm having the post-Valentine's syndrome feeling. And I'm hating it. I blame Facebook and Twitter for being sulky and all that today.

I feel sad not because I am not happy. (labo!) I feel sad because I did not get to spend our first Valentine's Day with you.

But what the hell, I'm happy naman with you everyday. :)

PS. I'm a girl.

15 First Dates (Yep! Not 50!)

EXCITING. That's how I can describe our 1st date. Well, technicality wise it's really the second. But I don't want to consider driving me to the airport at 3 in the morning as the 1st. Hihi! ="> I was really excited to see him after the bull sessions the previous night. It was the first time we went out together without our friends coming along. But don't get me wrong, it's not that I don't like the moments we spent together with friends because God knows how happy I am when we are with them, but this first "date" was special. It's the very first dinner we had after airing all the feelings out. No  awkward moments. Really. And that's just happy. :) -- 11/14

RANDOM. We are geographically incompatible. But you make distance seem possible. You called late in the night and asked me out. Everything's spontaneous and random when it comes to us. We never make plans but we always make it happen. Late dinner at a random Mexican restaurant in the north completed my whole weekend. I started and ended what seemed to be the perfect Sunday with you. Thank you. ="> -- 11/18

UNPLANNED. Well, what's new with this? We always go on dates naman without making plans eh. Maybe because we both know that we suck at that. This doesn't make any difference with our previous ones. What better way to have the third date? As mushy and cheesy as it sounds but we went for the classic movie x dinner date. Despite the short notice (For we only talked this over for 5mins), the rush hour and the hassle of commuting, it still turned out pretty well. Amazing, actually. :)

PREMATURE. A night before our planned date, he sent panic to my system again by saying he's "on the  way" to my house. We were on a "hall pass" the weekend before, so we did not get the chance to see each other. I like random nights like this. I like making random act of sweetness for you. Like giving you a random stuff and you giving me that random smile. :) - 11/28

DISAPPOINTMENT. The night was going smoothly. We were all lovey-dovey. Hearts and flowers everywhere. Serious talks. Heart-racing conversations. The can't-eat-can't-sleep-reach-for-the-stars-over-the-fence kind of feeling. But the abrupt change of the wind happened the moment we entered the club. This Hall Pass was uncalled for. And that's just plain BS.-- 11/29

BUTTERFLIES. You know the feeling when something happens abruptly and your stomach starts to cringe? The good kind of cringe. Tonight, the butterflies made a comeback in my stomach because the sweetest thing just happened.  :) - 12/7/2012

HAPPY.  I don't know why, when. where and how. But you came and I was happy. :) This euphoric bliss I am feeling right now is incomparable. I HAVE NEVER BEEN THIS HAPPY. I can't even stop smiling right now! Like OMG. My emotions are so overflowing I can't stop typing random things right now. Heart-racing, palm-sweating, my head buried on your chest, kisses on the forehead, on the cheek, on the eyes, everything is just plain bliss. :) - 11/09

POSSIBILITIES. It's proven that if a person wants to see you, despite the distance, despite the traffic, despite whatever reason that might hinder him, he will see you. Even just for a while. I have said it before, and I will say it again, I. HAVE. NEVER. BEEN. THIS. HAPPY. This is the best date so far. -- 12/12

RISKY. I forgot how good it felt to talk to someone about almost everything. Tonight, I got to know you better over dinner, cigarettes and beer. We were both relaxed, laughing and sharing stories like we're two old friends trying to catch up after years of not seeing each other. And then it hit me, you are not just a random guy I met. You are my answered prayer, you are my dream come true, you are the wish that was granted. And tonight, I am telling you that I am on the verge of falling for you. And it scares me. Coz I've never been in this situation for the longest time and I don't know what to do. I know you're scared too. And that's okay. Because as long as we are with each other, we can be scared together, slowly unfolding our own uncertainties and questions about each other. - 12/13

NERVOUS. Tonight, I met your brother. You know that I'm not into meeting the family and stuff like that. But you forced dragged me into this and you left me with no choice. I was shaking and was close to having a heart attack. But what the hell. I like you and I'm doing this for you. You should know that. :) Well, it was pretty okay naman, except that inside, I was screaming "get me out of here now". The world didn't end today. But I'm sure that I'm ready to explore the new world that awaits us. :) - 12/21/2012

ECSTATIC. Of all the dates, this one is the most special. It's our first Christmas together. I cried. For the first time, not because of pain, but because of joy. And I guess you know why. =) - 12/26/2012

DREAM DATE. I've always wanted a breakfast date. Not that breakfast date on an overnight trip or whatever you're thinking. I want a ma-effort morning date. Like somebody giving me a wake up call at 6 in the morning just to tell me that he's outside our house for an hour already, waiting for me to wake up just because he wants to have breakfast with me. Well, that's what exactly what you did. I appreciate the effort and your pagod driving straight from work without any tulog at all. You make distance seem possible and my mornings better. This is definitely a cross out on the my list of things to do before I die. :) - 12/28

SACRIFICIAL. I've always loved food. And that's a fact that is not new to him. So whenever there's a new discovery on the net, I immediately drag him even if it's miles away from my place. I have entered the title as such, because you sacrificed your one day of earning just to satisfy my passion (and hunger) for food. I love how you do simple things for me because I tell you it doesn't go unappreciated. I can't believe that in just a span of two months we've already gone this far. We're now on our 13th date and everyday I get happier. =) -- 12/30

BEGINNING. You are the first person I wanted to see on the first day of 2013. And thank God, you were there, though you're 2 hours late, it didn't matter, cause you still showed up outside my house even if it was just for five minutes. You see, this is what I really like about you. You find ways for us just to be together even in the most impossible situations. :) - 01/01/2013

FIFTEENTH. Spending the whole day on the first day of the year with you is something I will not forget. This is our 15th date, and I'm just happy that nothing has changed yet. We're still the same from the first time we met last summer. Just so you know, the kilig's still here. It didn't leave my system since the first date. -- 01/01/2013 - 01/02/2013

I used to be allergic with the thought of marriage and kids. But I'm considering it now. Not now but in the future when I'm settled and stable.

I used to think that relationships and commitments are overated, hassle and baduy, but look where I am now.

I hate chick flicks and love stories, but now, I am making my own. :)

Random Thought 040

It was a long awkward silence. We both know we tried reaching out to each other but we just couldn't let go of what we want to say. Nobody want to go first. So I gave up. I rested my shoulders, leaned back to the car seat. It was really frustrating.

Fog starts to blur the vision of the windshield. I sat straight again and did some doodling. on the foggy windshield.

"Alam mo ba kung ano to?"

You stared for a moment, perplexed but you managed to whisper "doodles". 

I just smiled back and said "Tayo yan, may direksyon, pero magulo"

Never Date a Guy Who Smokes

Never date a guy who smokes. His whole system is covered with defamation and pretention. His creativity is shown on how good of a liar he is. His silence is disturbing. He will never tell you the truth, instead he will sugar coat it with sweet words that will surely "sweep you off your feet" He is an overthinker and will annoy you most of the time for his reasoning is far beyond normal.

Never date a guy who smokes, He will make a fool out of you. He would lie to you, tell you things you want to hear but in reality, it's not really what he is feeling. He will argue with you until you get tired and accept your defeat. He is a good heartbreaker. A confused and troubled person who would make you feel unimportant and unloved. And in the long run, he will blame you for the things he did wrong, for the things you did and for the things you did not do.

Never date a guy who smokes for he has a big ego. He is a jerk and will say things that hurt. He will send you mixed signals. You're all lovey-dovey today, then starts ignoring you the next day. Calls you just to say how much he misses you and before you know it, he drops your calls and does not reply to your texts. And because you're too hung up on him, no matter how fucked up this was, how he messed up your life, still, you welcome him with arms wide open.

Never trust a guy who smokes. He is weak. He will not stay true to his words. HE WILL BE UNFAITHFUL TO YOU. He may be brave but he will not fight for you. If you date a guy who smokes, you should know that he is like the smoke -- "here now, gone in seconds"

Or better yet, find somebody who smokes. I challenge you to date him. Be his "game changer." Be the reason why he would like to quit this habit. Be his only habit. Play his game. Listen to his stories. Be there for him. Bring him cigarettes. Be the girl he is scared to lose. FIND OUT WHY HE IS DOING THIS.

If you meet a guy who smokes, ignore him, dump him, and I beg you to NOT BELIEVE IN HIM.

A response to:  http://pilosopogyno.tumblr.com/post/22421238449#


To the guy who used to bring me ice cream in the middle of the night and the jerks I know, SCREW YOU. I'M ON PMS, BITCHES.

Date a Girl Who Loves Sunsets

Date a girl who love sunsets. Date a girl who will stay with you until the end than somebody who will just be there in the beginning. She might not be the prettiest in the crowd but she is worth the second look. Behind her bare-faced look and tanned-skin lies an interesting personality that will surely charm you.

Date a girl who loves sunsets. She is optimistic. She always try to see the good in everything. Her positivity is contagious. She's a joker. You will never have a dull moment with her. She is spontaneous and determined. She will do anything to get what she wants. She will fight for you. She will chase you like how she chases the sunset. She will not give up on you. She is a warrior.

Date a girl who loves sunsets, because you will never feel awkward around her. Don't be afraid to make mistakes for she has shortcomings too. You'll recognize her for she always has this warm smile that can light up the room. She is the girl whom you don't want to see leaving at the end of the day.

If you date a girl who loves sunsets, bring her to different places so she can witness the different views of the sunset. Be it in Manila Bay, on top of Mt. Apo or just on your roofdeck. Tell her she's beautiful. Stay with her. Ask her what beauty it is in sunsets that seems to awe her. She may be persistent and immature at times but she finds joys in the simplest things. Like sunsets.

Date a girl who loves sunsets. She's a keeper. Her eyes are burning with unending passion and love for you like how she loves witnessing the sunset. BE LOYAL TO HER. For she will never be unfaithful to you. Find time to be with her. Watch the sunset with her.

If you meet a girl who loves sunsets, be with her. Choose her.

Date a girl who loves sunsets. For they always see the beauty in endings.

A girl who loves sunsets is full of hope. She is free-spirited and believes that at the end of the day, she still has tomorrow morning.

Or better yet, date a girl who loves sunrise.





To Sam Tungul, we will never settle for less.

Missing

It was a war between what we agreed we had and what we "really" had. It was too confusing that we always end up in a fight. Hassle. You know naman na you'll never win pero you still keep on raising the same issues. It gets tiring you know? Fighting for the same reason over and over again. 

But then I realized, it was your way to keep me in your radar. 

I miss how we end up arguing because of our contradicting views in life.

I miss the fights. 

But what I miss more is the "calm after the storm part".

The nights when you bring me ice cream in the middle of the night just because we had a fight

The impromptu dates on a school day just to make bawi for your pagkukulangs.

Those wala lang visits just because you miss me. LOL

I miss the scent of your car.

I miss how you always make me a priority over your other girls (haha!)

I miss that feeling when I was with you.

I miss how things were fucked up between us but we still get through the day.

It's been a crucial week, and I am missing what we had.  

I am writing this not because I'm asking for another chance because we both know we had enough of that. I am writing this just because contrary to what you believe in, the last five (six?) months of my life was well spent because I spent it with you.

Whatever this thing was, it made me happy. 

But today, I am letting you know, that it's it totally and completely over. 

Random Thought 039

It's not that I hate Sundays. I hate the feeling of knowing that the next day will be Monday. It's like knowing that something great is about to end. It's painful but you can't do nothing much about it. It's a routine that you can't avoid. It's the standard that we have to follow.

So we meet again.

Lessons from the flash flood

It was 6:30. I was really excited to shut down my computer and go home na. But the ulan was so lakas that I needed to stay a bit longer pa in the office. I was confused on whether to go home na ba or just spend the night at my tita's condo in Ortigas which is like 5mins away lang from the office.

But I decided to wait na lang for the ulan to stop.

At 8pm, finally the rain stopped. I went home with an office mate. I took the MRT to Trinoma and she took the jeep to Sta. Mesa. I crossed the bridge to SM North where the FX terminal to Espanya is located. A long queue of people waiting for the pa-Morayta FX was there. I waited patiently for my turn but the union of drivers declared that the roads to Espanya are impassable already so we have to alight na in Rotonda which is like so malayo pa from our bahay in Dapitan. I let out a mahinang "Tangina naman.." to show my frustration.

I had no choice. It's either I get stranded sa mall or I lusong in the baha in Espanya para makauwi. Then I realized, life is tough. It's hard to make decisions when your options doesn't benefit you that much.

I also salute the FX drivers who braved the Araneta traffic just to hatid the passengers even kahit hanggang Banawe lang.

I had to walk from Banawe to Dapitan and lusong the hanggang ass na baha. But I realized again, if I am doing this, I need to be handa. I stopped over the nearest convenience store, bought a pair of tsinelas and Chillz to keep me full.

Grabe talaga the baha! It was the worst! I was like crying na talaga and people were staring at me because I was nakatanga lang. It was the funniest and the most embarrassing moment of my life.

When I got home, I realized life is like the baha. It's deep.

To Sam Tungul, for the pagpipilit to sulat this blog.

Inspired by http://sankagesteno.wordpress.com/2012/09/10/lessons-from-an-mrt-ride/

From your grip.

Birthday Recap 2012

My birthday fell on a Thursday, but that did not stop me to have a series of celebrations that started in the middle of the week. Ten years from now, I will be re-reading this post on how I celebrated my 22nd birthday and say "I live a fruitful life 30 years of my life.."

Here is a "series" of celebrations I made on the week of my birthday.

Aug. 22 - The traditional birthday "salubong" with my HS bff Kim at Central Sheridan.

I was opting for a "Smurfs" look here but somebody's finger blocked the view of the lens. But I'm posting this anyway. 

Aug. 23 - Being in the Marketing field requires a lot of sacrifices, which includes: going to the office with a bad hangover, 2 hours of sleep and your Brand Review presentations.

But it also has its perks. :)

Mud Pie from my officemates. :)

 Mango Bravo from the first supplier I hired as a "professional". If you can consider me as such. Hihi! :)

And of course, nothing beats a simple house dinner with my other HS bff, Fae. Too bad, Kim and Fae's schedule are conflicting, the exact reason for the separate celebration with them. :)

Aug. 24 - Just when I thought that my birthday celebration was over, I got surprised by the morning greeting I got from my then-officemate.

My officemates, once again, treat me out at lunch here at Mad Mark's.

 "THE" Man Sandwich is really the perfect meal for the birthday girl.

 Came dinner, we had to say goodbye to on of our teammate, Ms. Erika.

 I will surely miss her. :(

 I wasn't able to finish Ms. Erika's despedida party for a late dinner at Causeway, Banawe with Jeric Fortuna and Tata Bautista.

A supposedly house party became a party of three with Ryan and Jennika. <3 Well I guess you know what that heart means already. :)

Aug. 25 - Reunited with my 1st year and 2nd year college gfs at Danna's birthday celebration in Oasis, Timog.

Oh wait, meet my new friends, Bojo and Mads. :)

 I have always, always been the friend without the partner but I really don't mind about me going out with them without a date because there will always, always be new friends I'm willing to meet.

 Happy Birthday, Danna babes! :)

 Too bad, Nie and Jer missed the fun after they left. :(

And of course, we missed Rae Siao too! :((

Aug. 26 - An eat-all-you-can lunch buffet, gifted by my soon to be bunkmate, my soulmate, the twin sister I wish I had (TENDENCIES!!!) Sam the Great. I love her to bits. :))

Sambokojin, West Ave's birthday present to me. Yay! Thank you to the warm staff of Sambokojin. Your service is the best ever, so far! I will definitely come back! :)

The come-from-behind win of UST against NU is the best week-ender ever!  I am so so proud of Jeric Fortuna for that 3-pointer buzzer beater!

ADDENDUM

Can you guess, what I did, who I was with and where did I go on Wednesday night. :)

Random Thought 038

Brooke Davis wasn't lying when she said that "The bad guys lie to get into your bed. The good guys lie to get into your heart.."

Random Thought 037

This is one of the countless times that I wish I know better.

I'm not in the verge of giving up just yet. But I'm in the point where I start questioning my ability to get things done.

I don't even know if this is still what I want. If this is where I belong.

Sorry.

To my past that I didn't do good.

To the present, for disappointing myself.

To my future, for whatever stupid things I might do.

And as the rain falls down, my tears followed. 

Not from the eyes, but endlessly falling from my heart. 

Random Thought 036

Why do I feel alone, fat and ugly? Must be the rain.

Sympathy is the last thing I need now. I feel so pathetic writing this now.

And I officially joined the bandwagon of the /wrist type of girls.

What's wrong? Really?

SMASHED POTATO

I skipped work today for reasons that I cannot express here. But for one, the bad weather kept me in bed all day and the flooded areas along the metro contributed to my absence.

Due to boredom and my newly adjusted braces,

I made myself a mashed potato :)

Since my braces just got its adjustment,(thanks to Dra. Almond for the sky blue and baby pink rubber by the way) I knew that I will not be able to eat any solid food so I decided to make this. I know it doesn't look pleasing but I assure you that it tastes so gooood! :)

And my cousin could testify to this. :)