Not everything is funny

Admittedly, I did this to myself. I allowed myself to open my life to the public (read: Social Media) and that is something that I regret.

The problem with social media is it only depicts what people wanted to think about you. Now the bigger problem is our generation tends to post anything and everything happening to them without knowing and considering the possible dangers and consequences after. And Im guilty of the latter.

People think that they know everything about me and I am the one to be blamed. What can I say? It was a spur of the moment kind of thing and I regret every minute of it. I allowed myself to be eaten by the digital world we are all living in. And that sucks.

I apologize to myself for exposing my life to the whole world. I cant do anything about that now. Damage has been done. Pictures were uploaded, statuses were posted -- things that were not meant to be available for public viewing.

But you see, when you did something in the past and you started being okay with it, this is when people around you started acting like they know how you feel. And that hurts. More than being regretfel, I am embarassed. With the fact that things will never be normal again and that is something that makes me sad.

I am responsible for my actions and I am standing up for it. For the record though, I dont owe anybody an explanation. This is my life and I am living it the way I want it. I  cannot control your judgments and opinions about me.

And since people around me have the power to make me feel bad, I am choosing to filter all the good ones from the bad.

So I am begging you to please stop messing with my life. Your opinions are something that I dont want to hear. Go ahead and talk about it behind my back, but if you cant say anything good, just please keep it to yourself. I dont want to hear any bullshit from you anymore. Not funny anymore.

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Really?

Peyton was not lying when she said "People always leave".

It's painful when the person who used to mean the world to you became "just a boy you randomly met" - a total stranger for that matter.

What's funny is that you used to share your life experiences with each other. Through sorrow and pain, through laughters and joy - you were inseperable. You were so sure that your entire life will be spent living with that someone who promised to explore the world of uncertainties with you. The person who sends that tingling feeling in your spine just by his mere existence. The person who gives you that uncanny feeling in your tummy when he says your name. And that same person whom you cannot actually live without. And that sucks big time.

Yes, things did not go well as planned, but I cannot live my life with regret. I have loved deeply that's why I got my heart broken badly. There will come a time that all the pain will go away and I get the happiness that I truly deserve. Someday.

And so when Peyton said that "People always leave", theres a little voice deep within me, that says "but sometimes they come back.."

- C

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Refresh

And something hit me that made me back read some of my blogs. I miss writing.

So for a start, i downloaded the blogspot app and will write a new post in the next few days.
Yay me!

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End of Story

Most of you who will read this knows that J's been missing for 17 days now. I am writing this not to narrate what REALLY HAPPENED just because it's not my story to tell. To those people assuming that J came home already, God knows I wish you were right.

J is my first serious relationship. My "can't-eat-can't-sleep-reach-for-the-stars-over-the-fence-butterflies-in-my-tummy"  kind of relationship. And honestly, it pains me that Im writing this now because he chose a different life now. A life wthout his family. A life without me.

Its all coming back to me. All the memories I had with him for the past two years. The first time we met. The first date. The first argument. The first movie we watched. The first kiss. Everything. Whats funny is that my mind's filtering all the bad memories I had with him and all I can think of are our happy moments together. His eyes, his smile (God his smile keeps flashing in my mind), the way he made me laugh, his awkward and weird ways of panlalambing - those days and nights felt so right.

It came to a point that all I did was cry and bury myself in bed all day. I didn't shower for days. Didn't eat. Didn't sleep. Everything was hurting and I felt like dying. I find it hard to wake up every morning not reading any good morning texts from him and waking up in the middle of the night, asking myself what went wrong. *sobs*

But today I woke up, thinking about Ramon Bautista's motto that "There is more to life than love". I can't keep torturing myself like this. I have to regain my life back and keep my act together. It will be hard but i can do it. I will be happy again.

If there is something good that came out from all this, it's the chance that I was able to meet new people and I gained another family in his siblings and parents. And of course I was able to prove that love really is for everybody. Only proves that there really is a silver lining :)

I guess the hardest thing right now is to live with what I always say to people: that I am okay.  Eventually, I'll get through all the drama, the heartaches and the pain.

To those who are reading this now, I know that J's safe. This will be the last time I'm talking about this. He moved on already and it's gonna be my turn now.


PS. Thank you to all the people who helped me in getting through this and praying for J's safety. You will be included in my prayers.

- C.

Needy

I am no expert when it comes to relationships. I used to think that commitments are so overrated that I gave up the idea of being into one. I hate romance. Never did I watch those baduy love stories for chrissakes (well except for One More Chance just because, duh?!) 

But look where I am now? I swallowed the words I said before. Turned my back to bitterness and took the chance of falling in love. The past 9 months was like a roller coaster ride - the emotional kind. But at the end of the day, I still find myself falling in line for three hours just to reach the climax of that ecstatic feeling. 

Not everyday's peachy. Its not always hearts and flowers. Sometimes its just heartaches and thorns. 

Girls are too emotional. They cry for no reason at all. I hate the rain. I am too random. And Im out of words. But Im still full of tears. 

I want to feel needed. 

an attempt to write about anything unrelated about 3am

What's with 3am that makes people all nostalgic and reminiscent of the past? We start to track the first ever status update we made in Facebook. The first tweet ever posted in Twitter and that first photo ever took in our Instagram. We start listening to songs that we usually hear everyday but for some reason when we hear it at 3am something - a name, an event, a place - suddenly pops out of our head for some unknown reason. Making us remember things we shouldn't. The 3am syndrome is like the #throwbackthursday of one's day. For some it sucks. But sometimes, mapapangti ka na lang din. 

I was browsing through a friend's album and I happen to ran across this photo:

 

It's our first ever photo together (Yay!) I know this isnt an attractive first picture of us with that sampayan kind of background. And not to mention, J almost fading into that sampayan background.

I remember that day from last year -- November 11, 2013, after midnight. It was her mom's birthday celebration. A party that I never wanted to go to in the first place. But remembering it now, Im so glad that I did. :)

That picture of us was the start of our life photo album together. Eight months passed and look where we are now?

Never did I thought that I will get in to this point of my life. -- several destinations traveled, stories shared together and countless photos of us taken. Haaay. :)

Ive said it before and I will say it again. I HSVE NEVER BEEN THIS HAPPY.

For our "pseudo monthsary" celebration. :)

I dont have to say it. Coz you already know I do.

XO

#baduy #cheesy #clingy

Random Thought 041

You're probably gonna kill me for saying writing this.

I'm having the post-Valentine's syndrome feeling. And I'm hating it. I blame Facebook and Twitter for being sulky and all that today.

I feel sad not because I am not happy. (labo!) I feel sad because I did not get to spend our first Valentine's Day with you.

But what the hell, I'm happy naman with you everyday. :)

PS. I'm a girl.